An enormous accident took place around 1:30 this afternoon causing a fire and injury at Moeser Lane in El Cerrito. Somehow a 10-wheel hauler had overturned and smashed against someone’s house. Along the path of destruction by the truck were a snapped power pole and five badly damaged vehicles.
Ruben Sharma, a witness whose home was destroyed by a fire from the crash, said, “I thought it was a major earthquake. This is unbelievable.” Sharma’s front yard is covered with bricks, broken glass, car parts, and splintered wood. Power has been lost from the crash in neighboring cities including Berkley and Richmond.
One of the first rescue workers to arrive at the scene was El Cerrito detective Sgt. Shawn Maples. After hearing cries coming from the burning truck and house he started to dig through debris and spotted the driver who had been wedged between the wheels of the truck. With the help of others Maples was able to pull the man out to safety while noticing his legs were mangled.
The truck driver is currently at John Muir Medical Center in Walnut Creek from broken legs in the crash; he is listed in serious but stable condition. Three other vehicles were tossed around during the commotion leaving a sport utility vehicle with two passengers inside stuck in some shrubbery and another car so crumpled the driver was trapped inside. The people trapped in the cars were rescued and no fatalities were reported at the scene.
Your lead is too long. Keep it to one sentence, two at the most (if one is very short).
ReplyDeleteAlso, think about what makes this story news, and be more specific about that in your lead.
Don't start by saying there was "an enormous accident" ... instead, say something like: "A runaway asphalt truck left a path of destruction in El Cerrito yesterday afternoon, destroying one home and knocking out power in El Cerrito and some neighboring cities."
Make each quote its own paragraph.
P3: Nicely done, but tighten it up a bit: "...spotted the driver wedged between the wheels of the truck, his legs mangled. With some help, Maples was able to pull him out to safety."
P4 is too long. Break it up.
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