News Story #1 - Firefighters
A single-story home on Annapolis Way was engulfed in flames yesterday. Homeowner Robert Kent was rescued from the burning house while unconscious in his San Jose home. Kent, who is in his 50’s and retired, suffered second and third-degree burns on 50 percent of his body. Firefighters had pulled from the kitchen in his house which was surrounded by flames.
The cause of the fire is under investigation by the San Jose Police. According to San Jose fire Captain Rob Piper, there wasn’t a smoke detector in the house and it seems the fire started in the kitchen and spread to the attic. A nursing supervisor at Valley Medical Center in San Jose informed me that Robert Kent is in grave condition.
News Story #2- Cathedral Robbery
Two tourists fell victim to a robbery this morning in the parking lot of Saint Mary’s Cathedral. WeiMing Chen and his wife Li Lu were with their tour group the morning of the robbery. Around 10am the two left the group and walked to the cathedral’s parking lot where they had decided to take some snapshots for keepsakes. Chen and his wife were startled when a man approached them waving a pistol around; he was wearing a dark jacket and some sort of cap at the time.
According to Sergeant Lawrence Price of the SF police department, the assailant, whom Chen described as about 18 years old, took their money; about 100 dollars, visa card, passport, camera, and airline tickets right before taking off. At this time it is unknown if the couple will make their 1pm flight back to Taipei along with their tour group of 30 employees. Police will continue searching for the suspect as well as any witnesses who may have some more leads on the case.
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1) Your lead is too long. It should be 25-35 words max, preferably one sentence containing the most important 5W-1H info.
ReplyDeleteAlso, your focus is off. As we say in the news biz, you've "buried" your lead. The news isn't that there was a house fire ... it's that there was a dramatic rescue of a guy from a house fire. So start there.
Also, ask yourself whether this should be an immediate identification lead (is Robert Kent well-known?) or a delayed ID lead.
12/15
2) Good start, but avoid passive voice phrases like "fell victim to a robbery." You want to get to the point quickly and capture the drama of the story. So say "Two tourists were robbed at gunpoint this morning...." Then start a new paragraph identifying the victims and explaining how it happened.
The robbery is more important than what the robber was wearing, so say what happened before you describe him.
AP style errors: 10am is incorrect; write out "SF police department;" 100 dollars is incorrect.
11/15 - please revise