Soft Broadcast Lead
SQUIRREL CAUSES POWER LOSS
30 SECONDS
COMMUTERS WERE STUCK FOR HOURS TODAY IN MANHATTAN AFTER AN ABRUPT POWER OUTTAGE.
THE CAUSE OF THE OUTTAGE WAS A SQUIRREL. THE SQUIRREL HAD CLIMBED ONTO POWER
LINES AND WAS THEN ELECTROCUTED WHILE SCURRYING ACROSS.
AN ELECTRICAL POWER SURGE HAD WEAKENED AN OVERHEAD BRACKET IN THE TRAINS SYSTEM.
THIS CAUSED A WIRE TO HANG DOWN AND BECOME ENTANGLED AS A TRAIN PASSSED UNDERNEATH,
WHICH HAD PULLED DOWN POWER LINES. POWER CREWS WORKED QUICKLY AND SERVICE WAS
RESTORED BY TUESDAY MORNING.
-END-
You're starting out too "hard news" with too much information. In broadcast, you need to use a softer lead-in to get the listener's/viewer's attention, then get to the "hard news" of the story.
ReplyDeleteSo I think I'd start with the squirrel and contrast that with the power outage, then explain. Something like:
A CURIOUS SQUIRREL CREATED BIG PROBLEMS FOR MANHATTAN RAIL COMMUTERS YESTERDAY AFTERNOON.
The rest is good, except it should be "THE TRAIN'S SYSTEM."
9/10